"Why I hate giving presentations to Important People" by Andria

Important People don't really want to sit through your presentation anyway, and they have cell phones and PDAs to get distracted by.

Important People comment on tiny things they find wrong in your presentation just because they can... and also because they want to see if you get thrown off by them calling you out on these mistakes, and they want to see if you'll bounce back. It's like reality television.

Presentations for Important People can go off track pretty fast (Important People like to go off on tangeants), and you never know what's going to take it there or if they'll let you bring it back.

Important People don't understand your job with anything more than an "extremely high level view" nor do they want to.

Important People rarely connect with you.

No matter how bad it actually goes, Important People always tell you what a great job you did as you're sitting down at the end of it. You're thinking "wait, they hated it. they didn't get the point! they asked so many hard questions" because you've felt like you've been at the wrong end of a firing squad forever...and then all of a sudden everyone is your friend again and everything you do is great.

Important people's assistants have to remember to write you emails thanking you, on the behalf of their designated Important Person, for your informative presentation.

And I guess just generally, putting together a presentation for Important People is hard work. With not much payoff.

Booourns.

My egomaniac of a dog

To this day, I still haven't been able to rid Siris of a really annoying habit she has. Whenever anyone walks by us on the sidewalk, if they're carrying a shopping bag, she absolutely has to check it out. People carrying shopping bags are awesome! Her tail's going crazy, she must make eye contact with the person, and then she can't resist turning her head and taking a sniff of the super amazing shopping bag, which is no doubt loaded with fantastic things that are all for her. If I wasn't paying attention, she'd probably have her head *in* the bag. These poor neighbours of mine, just trying to cart their stuff from point A to point B, end up with the biggest fan ever. And the look of disappointment on my poor girl when these people walk on by without acknowledging her or sharing their goodies- classic! Seriously - my crazy mutt thinks the entire world should be bringing her presents.

Kevin Clarke

There's this crazy homeless guy who's always in my work neighbourhood, Kevin Clarke. He's colourful alright. He's loud, and opinionated and in your face and "fuck the man". But you can tell he's really smart. And also incredibly creative. When he's ranting about something, it has a bit of a beat. And his words sound good together - in a weird poetic spoken word kind of way. He wears crazy robes, and he talks to everyone - he gets right in there; he won't be ignored. Often you just try to get away from him pretty damn quick. But he seems very happy. And very informed, very political. He's running for mayor for his third time - election day today!

I ran into him outside the Gladstone yesterday where I was having a cigarette with a few friends, and he made up this whole kind of rap about things about us - what we were wearing, making up a bit of a story about us. And then he shook a little can, and hey, I kind of wish I'd had a twoonie in my pocket. And then, even though noone gave him any money, he walked away smiling because we had enjoyed his performance. So, maybe he's actually not that crazy.

I found an old article from Eye about him which was pretty interesting. If you live in Toronto, I'm sure you know this guy - it's a good read.

Things could be far worse...

Ryan left me with these words of wisdom on Saturday, after an amazing mexican brunch where I was being admittedly sulky about recent events in my life:

"Well, at least you're not a fat lady trying to make an illegal left-hand turn."

...and I thought that was brilliant. Yeah, it's a bike courier joke, but really, it's perfect. Because part a: being a fat lady in an enclosed vehicle that only makes you look fatter is pretty unfortunate in and of itself. Add part b: you're too dumb to know that the turn you're making is illegal but everyone else on the road knows and has to point it out...well, there's something very pathetic about that. Or a different spin on part b: you're a fat lady who is such a bitch that you know you're making an illegal left-hand turn, and are so selfish that you just don't care. Not only are you fat, but you think you're above the law, and have decided to inconvenience everyone else as a result...pretty damn deplorable.

I feel better about my life already, and who wouldn't? Because at any given moment, I'm sure that there are countless fat ladies trying to make illegal lefts, and at least I'm not one of them.

Weddings are for jerks.

I have two friends getting married on the same weekend. I love them both and I am happy they have found the one and whatever, but if I have to spend another minute talking about dresses or seating arrangements or emcees or flowers or photographers I'm going to go crazy. I get it, it's a special day. I get it. But I am at my threshhold. Girls getting married should have to go away to a commune where they hang out with other bride-to-bes and talk about weddings 24/7 until about a week before the date.

Oh, who am I kidding? I just don't want to lose my friends to the abyss of boring married couples out there.

Lemonade

I walked by a lemonade stand today, on my way home from work. Seriously - just on my street up by Bloor. A bonafide, little-kid-manned, lemonade stand. They were just packing up when I walked by or I definitely would have shelled out the 25 cents. They're the cutest kids too and so out of place in my cracked-out neighbourhood. They draw hopscotch on the sidewalk and they skip rope and say hi to everyone. They love Siris even though their mom doesn't want them getting too close. They make me think living on this street isn't that bad.

Ode to the homeless man of the week

Today right as I was sitting chain smoking and spilling my guts to a close friend about boy problems, a homeless guy asked us for change. We both smiled and muttered "Sorry..." and he smiled back and said "Don't be sorry...I hope you both have a great day." And you know, I felt like he meant it. And then he carefully emptied his water bottle right on the sidewalk in front of us, making a watermark on the sidewalk in the shape of a giant heart. I think I almost blushed, and it made my own heart feel good.

Attention Hallmark Executives...

The monkey themed greeting card seems to have gone the way of the dinosaur. I for one am outraged. What happened to brilliant photographs of chimpanzees wearing lipstick? Or suspenders? Or fine, even naked chimpanzees just making funny gestures? I've had to buy a ton of cards recently and not once could I find a monkey themed card - infuriating. Hallmark, have monkeys on greeting cards gotten less funny? The answer is OF COURSE NOT! I've got two weddings upcoming but do you think I could find a card with a picture of a chimpanzee wearing a veil? Nooooooo.

Do I need to spell it out? Birthdays: monkey eating a giant white cake with his hands and getting it all over his face. Come on! Valentines Day: monkey holding flowers, or better, one monkey giving another monkey a big smooch. Christmas: monkey in a Santa hat. The possibilities are endless, folks. It ain't that hard. The picture that goes with this post could be either "Doh, I forgot your birthday" or "Sorry I was such a Jackass..."

Do I have to resort to the internet for all my monkey greeting card needs? I mean, really. Hallmark, please! I'm shaking my head here.

Things that always cheer me up

Meh. I hate when I get into feel-sorry-for-myself-mode. Things that always make me feel better:

This picture.

Fuck, she's sooo cute, and sooo happy, I can't stand it.

Finding something new and hilarious at The Onion.

This website. You can substitute part of the URL for someone's name and it sings a fabulous "You Got Owned" song that never fails to make me laugh my head off, coupled with funny slide show of people/pets in ridiculous situations. Never gets old.

Chixdiggit! (yes, the dorky punk rock band from Calgary, AB) Also, the Beach Boys.

Buying pretty things. Gah, I'm such a girl.

Calling up old friends.

Sunshine. I need to move out of this basement, stat.

I love you, E-bay

Ebay is wonderful, but a slippery slope. Tips I have learned over the years: best not to surf ebay when under the influence... don't bother bidding if you can't be at a computer when the auction ends...find out how much shipping will cost you before you register a bid...place your "final" bid with 25 seconds remaining in the auction...place your real final bid with 10 seconds remaining...pay quick and be nice - feedback counts.

Fun stuff that E-bay has brought me over the years:

Liz Phair - Supernova b/w Combo Platter 7" Record.
On pretty blue vinyl no less.

Helium - Hole in the Ground b/w Lucy 7" Record.
This is rare and won me tons of indie cred back in the day. Haven't listened to it in about 6 years now.

Various Sanrio themed personalized return mailing address stickers.
Nothing like slapping a Hello Kitty return label on your taxes.

The Blue Lotus Tintin Poster.
I even corresponded in French with this dude.

Weird Vintage Tintin's-Dog-Snowy Children's Pull Toy.
To this day I have no idea what compelled me to buy this.

Rocket Dog Shoes - Two pairs.
Both discontinued styles, brand new, ridiculously cheap, and four years later I've finally worn them out. Ebay, I'm a comin'. Again.

Puma Sneakers.
So I thought they were baby blue, and they turned out to be uh, teal. Still cool.

Fallen Angels Movie Poster.
One of the coolest movie posters ever. The seller was in Germany and this took an eternity to arrive but was well worth the wait.

PVC Agility Practice Jumps and Weave Poles.
Yeah, I have no backyard and occasionally convert my living room into an obstacle course for my dog. And let's not talk about the size of my living room. These purchases are why I caution you about confirming shipping charges before you bid.

Epiphone Acoustic Guitar with pick-up.
The mother of all Andria E-bay purchases, but I'd been in love with this guitar for years and never thought I'd ever see it again anywhere. Overshot my max bid price about 4 times and I still don't regret it.

Elvis Presley Blvd Street Sign.
I finally caved to the many many pages of Elvis paraphenalia on E-bay, and as much as I love this, I have banned myself from further Elvis themed E-bay shopping.

Camoflauge Cat Collar with bell.
Oh, Pacman--I'm sorry.

Hank Williams Sr International Fanclub vintage key chain.
I couldn't not.

Lost in Bay Station

You can sit around and whine about how you don't have anything to do, or you can make your own fun and convince your friends to be a part of it. Even if it's a large, over-the-top, grandiose idea that ends up taking a zillion years to plan, and probably a lot of money too. Hooray for Jill. I woulda thought of it, but I woulda been way too lazy to execute.

And so, I spent my day yesterday in a giant Amazing Race type booze-a-thon event that had me running (yes, running) around the entire city like a maniac with my fellow team members. The Pinko Commie Hippie Fags, as we called ourselves. There was hula-hooping, jump rope, something with stacking plastic cups in pyramid formation, something with guitars that I can barely remember. We may have stolen an Italian flag off of someone's house. And of course, there was more booze than I've consumed in a long, long time. Our team cheated hardcore and we still didn't even come close to winning this thing, but it was a lot of fun. Minus the 37 degrees with the humidex thing. And boy, do my legs hurt today. And I kind of wished Honest Ed's would have been a stop - I can find anything there in record time. We would have kicked ass finding toothpicks at Honest Ed's faster than anyone.

I do believe I am a serious liability to have as a teammate. I smoke too many cigarettes and am easily winded. I am not strong, nor am I coordinated. Music trivia is not really my thing, unless it's country music trivia, but uh, seriously, why would it be? I try my damndest to keep up with the best of them in a drink-off, but when it all comes down to it, I'm a tiny tiny girl. Can't fight nature. I'm sure I can drink more than your average 100 pound girl, but there's only so much a 100 pound girl can drink without you know, falling over. Woohoo for the hula-hooping. That, I rule at.

Recent Discoveries...

There's an awesome Native woman who plays acoustic guitar and who sounds like Barbara Manning who's taken up outside my local LCBO.

And sometimes there's live reggae at Christie Pits park on the weekends.

The Sopranos is probably the coolest TV show on the planet.

Homogonized milk is way better in coffee than 2%.

Marijuana + Ice Cream Bars = Happiness.

And good sweet red cherries are more than worth the exorbitant amount of cash you shell out for them.

Say hello to the orange guy!

Name: Pacman (formerly known as "Snuggles")
Age: Approximately 5 years old
Date of Arrival: June 24, 2006
Origin: Abandoned in a vacant apartment, Toronto Humane Society
Likes: Treats, scratching stuff, the toilet, walking on my keyboard, fridge magnets (partial to the letter "X")
Dislikes: Whatever kind of food is being fed to him, the Siris lick bath.

--------------------------------

**Edit** Okay, so Pacman just didn't stick. People just kept calling him Snuggles anyway, and then Snuggles needed a title, so I added 'Senor' for alliteration (and hilarity). He now has a Latino accent, and a whole persona.

Midnight gifts from my dog

Man, I love having a dog. Last night I spent largely drinking green tea, eating Pocky and watching crap TV, Siris passed out beside me on the couch. I finally put myself to bed, and wake up hours later because I hear Siris rustling around in the living room. Sleepily I call her name and she comes trotting towards my bedroom, tags jingling the whole way. Eventually she jumps onto the bed, deposits a perfectly intact box of Pocky on top of me while I'm lying there under the covers, and then curls up beside me. One big sigh, and she's out.

MY DOG BRINGS ME JAPANESE CANDY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! Awesome.

Page Not Found

My computer is dead. I do not think it can be ressurrected. Then again, I'm a computer retard. I can't access any URLs. I am posting this on my lunch break from work.

Fuck you if you write computer viruses.
Fuck you if you exploit security vulnerabilities.
Fuck you if you make it difficult for me to identify security vulnerabilities.

But if you're just a nice person trying to find out what's up in Andria-land, then I'm deeply sorry for my absenteeism.

I will be purchasing a new computer real soon, I hope, so you'll have to hang on till then.

What have you missed?

NOTHING.

Well, potentially many giant rants about how swamped I've been and how I wish I would just win the lottery already and move away to a beautiful tropical island and never have to work again, ever. EVER!

I can't handle it -- I'm going to my happy place. I'll be there in a week - happy birthday to me.

Weird and wonderful gifts from my employees

This bunny is way too cute to eat. It was purchased at a specialty bakery and was given to me for Easter. 100% marzipan.


I got this crazy ceramic Chinese doll from one of my reps when she returned from a trip to China. As you can see, it has synthetic hair. What you can't see is that it also has a penis. (I'm not kidding.) Bonus: it came in a very elegant looking Chinese box which is now the perfect home for my ganja stash.


I scored this novelty slot-machine pencil sharpener from a rep who returned from a weekend trip to Vegas. Very entertaining. Bar, Bar, Bar! Cherry, Cherry, Cherry!

No Flyers, Please!

Does anyone know if putting up a little sign on your mailbox or your front door actually means you won't get junk mail? Or is some minimum wage delivery person that's gotta drop 1000 flyers just gonna shove one in there anyway? What is anyone gonna do about it, really? If it actually works, I have to say, flyer-haters all over my neighbourhood have been missing out on some serious gems lately. Are evil forces such as voodoo, obeah, black magic and witchcraft destroying me and my family? YES! KARINA will come to YOU, folks. Money back guarantee!

How are you ever going to change your life when that little sign on your mailbox means KARINA can't even leave you her flyer? She's probably put a curse on you already.

And then we were two...

I had to send sweet Moe to kitty heaven yesterday. His feline leukemia caught up with him and there wasn't much that could be done. It was agonizing, heartbreaking and truly awful. I was a mess at the clinic; a total disaster. The staff were so good to me. I held a very quiet and still Monsignor in my arms and hugged him to me, just before it was time. He purred, and he never purrs - I think he was hugging me back, just a little. I wish we could have spent more time together. Rest in peace, big guy - I will never forget you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...Monsignor

My big hairy furball, who looks pissed off at all times, but who is in fact, not actually a jerk.

Woohoos and Eff Yous 2006 Style

Big Ups to:

• The Sadies, who along with their closest pals, rocked my world on February 4th at Lee's Palace.
• Marley And Me: Life & Love With the World's Worst Dog by John Grogan which made me laugh, cry, and helped me to understand that in fact there are worse behaved dogs out there than my Siris.
• My new dog-walker, Marie, who is not only pit-friendly, but who can miraculously handle my girl plus four other dogs at the same time.
• Hank Williams Sr, just because he'll always be on the "big ups" list.
• West Side BBQ, the local crackhead hangout by my house, getting put out of business by bikers.
• Georges DuBoeuf Beaujolais, my old stand by.
• Word Wars: Tiles & Tribulations on the Scrabble Circuit, the funniest documentary I've seen in a long time.
• My old high school pal, Mike, who I ran into for the first time in years and who I really, really need to call and hang out with.
• Good postcards from great friends.
• The good folks at Annex Cat Rescue, who hooked me up with the best big, fat, hairy, feline leukemia positive kitty on the planet.
• Monsignor, aka Moe, the aforementioned big fat, hairy, feline leukemia positive kitty.

And Booooourns to:

• The asshole driver who hit me with his car on Monday morning and drove off.
• The asshole witness who didn't even stop to see if I was okay.
• Cold weather and icy sidewalks.
• Being single on Valentines Day, even if I did take advantage of 50% off cinnamon hearts the day after.
• Online dating, where I will never go again.
• Spending too many Sundays in the office working.
• Having to fire people.
• Failing technology.
• Not having a car.
• Business jargon.
• Those jerks at OMNI 1, who moved the X-Files to 11:30 pm.